What it feels like to “be” bipolar and NOT claim the title.
Hello, dear reader.
I do not know, what it is that brings you to my space.
Are you diagnosed? Is your friend, family member or spouse?
Have you maybe heard or seen someone acting “crazy” or even out of character? Or are you looking for an adventure?
Couple of years ago there was a tragic event in my home country, where on the main square of the capital — a thirty something well educated and professionally respected guy was shot to death by policemen after aggressive performance and threatening moves with knives towards other citizens.
It was pure daylight, the man was sober and was not under any influence of drugs / prescription pills. It was pre-corona time. When the national level of mental illness was boiling under the surface, slowly raising head, but still — not too strong yet to be brought into limelight.
The guy had a psychotic episode. Mentally unstable. He had been “working himself up “— unwillingly — for days, maybe weeks even. He was left alone by closest ones or shut himself from the world somehow. Who knows — the reason for this kind of outburst /or depression on the other hand / can be very simple and lame.
Whether it is the workload and stress, strong emotional reactions, perfectionism, heartbreak, worry, the trend for efficiency and oh my — seems like the endless pursuit of the capitalist dream: loads of money and emphasis on material embodiments of success. Is it the ever youthful look or strive for professional athletes endurance. The pressure is there.
There are too many voices out there.
The society, media, relatives, the old man next door, competitive colleague from the branch office, thousands of years of history and it’s spoken / unspoken wisdom, where everyone can find something that almost suits for them. To preach that, share the piece of knowledge from the source available them.
And yet. Where is Yours? Why would you take someone else’s “moto” to live by? Why would you think it suits you? Gets you where you wanna?
Oh, because S/HE made it?
Well yeah, everything is possible.
But wouldn’t you want to be more?
Say, content, in balance, motivated.
Healthy, live a simple and joyful life in harmony with the rest?
Well, I do.
But it has not always been like this.
When in 2009 i was diagnosed bipolar after my first mania …
I was in shock. It was a very traumatic experience.
The hospital for 5 weeks.
No clear explanation what was going on with me, why and how long i was supposed to be there. What i witnessed inside.
I was never the same.
But … It got me up from my ass :)
I started asking questions.
Looking and looking, making changes ever and ever again.
It was like the peeling of on onion.
See, the bipolar…
Oh, there are quite a few “reasonings” of the phenomenon.
And they sell it as a friend for life.
Uncurable.
I have been hospitalized more than 5 times.
I normally do not experience depression; with mania, I have been under care.
I have not always been on meds.
From say 2013/14–2017 Iwas not.
And years 2009–2017 I was out of hospitals.
So I knew it was not the meds that keep me from relapsing (that’s the term) .
For example, last year I was trying to come off — but a bit too suddenly in the end — and that, the intoxication of meds -was what initiated the mania.
I am not saying it works for everyone.
Just sharing my story, and I am still at the summit of the mountain.
The 12 years in between from the diagnosis and first mania.
It is a work. A journey. A hike.
It consists of therapy, yoga, the art of consciousness change method (from Estonia, https://ingvarvillido.com/art-of-conscious-change) has been the most revolutionary technique and toolbox to use daily for supporting emotional and mental wellbeing, even curing the physical body. Making way for our true Self by releasing negative mental patterns and emotions. Noticing, writing down, clearing out with a simple technique.
I am not “there”.
But since I soon wish to become a mother — I am sooooo focused and determined to get this chemical s**t out of my system to be fresh and blossoming for my family ahead.
Official bipolar drugging is not encouraging and can harm the fetus. Pregnancy without drugs — risk of relapsing 51% higher than in ordinary situation.
So as you can see — no choices.
I have felt it and known it deep, this is not BP that is haunting me.
It maybe something that doctors have labeled like that to do their jobs.
Drug lords to control the crowds.
But i know.
There is something there.
Medical Medium has great insight:
https://www.medicalmedium.com/blog/bipolar-disorder
In our mind, we are powerful. What we think — we create.
Our emotions — we absorb them from our parents and people nearby until the age of 7. We do not produce them of our own.
Our physical body relies on our emotions and thoughts as well.
So.
If a baby is born untouched. Pure.
Why would it become sick in this way?
Is it something it asks for or is it a conflict inside it’s soul?
Wanting for one, but acting for other?
Bipolar = there are two polar sides
Bipolar conflict / disorder could mean it is the imbalance of those two as put it my kriya yoga teacher.
In this paradigm one can think: what are the imbalances of my life?
Do I lead the way that is mine? Or do I live from a place of duty, responsibility, logic? Do I act, think and feel like someone else I have known for a long time?
Or is it all me? Is it my thought? My opinion? Is it my reaction, is it my value?
It is a journey.
There might have been moments when we feel like everything fits in its place. The perfect symphony. For those we should strive.
Cause those exactly bring us closer to our Self.
To find them, extend them, keep the quiet and observe —
what it really feels like to be Me?
